I say that because it's all my choices. I'm the one who choose to eat ice cream and pizza and nachos and even though my daily diet didn't consist of those things, I have a love for blended drinks from Dutch Bros. One here or there isn't a bad thing, but there were times when I'd hit the drive thru coffee stand two to three times a day! In general though, it isn't any one thing, it's everything that is small them up, you get me. A 5'3" 29 year old 242lb women. I still remember the day I realized I'd have to lose 100lbs to be healthy, I had to do everything I cold to stop myself from crying. But 4 years and several "aha!" moments later, here I am, unable to get back to where I started before I had my son.
It is hard putting this stuff out there where anyone could see it. I find it very hard to speak of this cause I feel like I'm just another morbidly obese American who is unhappy with my weight and wished I could be healthier and thin, while the years go by and all I do is talk as I fail every eating plan and exercise program I've ever tried. In fact it's difficult to stick to anything that I have aspired to complete, whether it be due to unanticipated circumstances or just me. I've ended up allowing life to take over and not really truly fight for what I want. And then, eventually, time goes by and it's too late.....for somethings.
One day, it hits you. You realize that you have become lost beneath the layers, the real you so far from the surface, that you even seemed to no longer recognize who you are, and where you went. My weight is my concealment, a way to protect myself and sabotage myself all at the same time. For the last several years I have learned everything I need to know to be able to lose the weight, and making small strides here and there, but still failing to followthrough on the changes that are going to see me through to the other side of this journey of from obesity to healthy. And so I will be making a full ditch effort now. This will be one of the hardest things I have ever attempted.
I would love to say that I'm super positive that I can do this, but I'm not. These goals that I will be setting, I feel I will probably fail at, that is why I am starting this blog. If I am to change anything, I need to be accountable for my life and my choices and not just allow things to happen as they do. And so, this is my accountability. Even if it is to no one but myself.
I will be setting new goals every month, most of them most likely continuing from the previous, these goals will not all be weightloss and fitness related. I have many areas of my life that need work for me to be a healthy person on the inside and outside. And will from time to time set goals on a weekly and even possibly daily basis. nothing new, just smaller goals to break down the big ones.
Ulitmately, my long term goals are as follows:
- Lose 30 to 40 lbs by my wedding, December 3rd, 2011
- To fit in my dress in the current size it is in of a size 16W
- To be proficient in reading and writing Mandarin Chinese
- Run a 5K, 10K, and half Marathon
- Organize house and find stuff to give to Goodwill (Spring cleaning) to start fresh
- Learn to actually love and accept myself.
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