Little things

Discouragement is easy to find and motivation is difficult to hold onto. It just seems to slip from my hands like a ribbon being pulled from you hand in the wind. I look at myself as a whole and only focus into how my stomach is so huge and will never be smaller, or how large my thighs are. I see everything I want to change that hasn't, and it just drags me down.

The workouts are intense and hard. I adjust however I need to to accommodate my body size, but I tend to end up using it to remind me of how far I have to go as opposed to how far I've come. I can't do measurements, cause when it comes to my waist and hips I obsess over if I've done it the same as the first: is this the same area? is this how I was standing the first time? And the results can be too stressful to handle. So I weigh myself almost everyday to just gauge how my body fluctuates over the week, it also can ground me and keep me in check when it comes to making better choices with my eating and wanting to exercise. But when you see yourself the same or just getting larger and larger and never seem to be able to do anything but lose sight and sabotage yourself, it easy to lose sight of any progress you've made.

My fiance has unknowingly kept me going these last few days. It's been harder to get my workouts in, not because I was discouraged or anything, just that I'm tired and wanted to do other things. It would be so easy to just relax on the couch and do nothing.

My fiance Carson is very supportive, and he's not the first one. I have lots of support, but he did something that really helped me. A couple days ago, I said that the muscles on my sides are sore from working out out, and he responded with, "that's where I'm noticing where you're getting curvier". He had made little comments as to it before. He just has this way of drawing my attention to it and appreciating my hard work. I guess also helping me notice my hard work starting to pay off.

He unknowingly has given me a wonderful gift. I've been able to  focus more on what I've accomplished and how far I've come, instead of only seeing what I haven't done, or how far I have to go. When I've been having problems getting motivated, and I think about putting off my exercise until later or tomorrow. I then think about what Carson said, and all the little comments he had made about the progress I've made. It's made it a lot easier to see how I'm changing and knowing that it's not my imagination. It's really hard to for me to acknowledge these things. But I'm working on it and making progress. I get stronger everyday, and it feels really good. It also helps me in every aspect of my life. I'm a better mother, partner, friend, and just a better person all around.

It was all about the food....

Today, I had my usual oatmeal breakfast, and for lunch the other half of the sandwich I got yesterday from Safeway. I didn't do well on my fruit and veggie intake as I would have liked, but I am really proud of myself today for several choices that I made, since they were different than what I would have done normally.

First, it was payday, so I took Carson out to Jack in the Box for dinner. I planned out to get the pita, which is one of the best choices on the menu. I had it all planned out ahead of time, and I stuck with it. normally, I would have gotten a burger or something that was a lot higher in calories. The only mistake was that I forgot to order it without the grilled onions. They're cooked in butter, and there's no control over how much would be used. I used to work there so it does make it easier to understand these minor details.

I also gave a ride to my son's aunt Missy. She had a class to go to and it was right across the street from dutch bros. ....And anyone will tell you, I LOVE Dutch Bros. sooooo very much. My mouth was watering over the idea of a blended black and white mocha. It sounded so sweet, and cold and icy. The dark chocolate syrup they have.....ooooohhh so fabulous. I was thinking about it the entire drive, especially with the warm weather. I also got my exercise clothes on before I left to pick Missy up so that I could do my workout as soon as I got back home.

Normally I would have gone to dutch bros gotten the drink and come home and may or may not have worked out. Instead I had a 1/2 cup of raspberry sorbet with 2 Tbs of sugar free chocolate syrup. It was so good, and a decision I was really proud of. This time feels different. I even started purging my cookbooks. I'm really trying to focus on food, and also trying to learn to not be afraid to do the heavy lifting for my workouts. I've also been working on the connection between the two. It was a good day. It wasn't an easy one, but there was nothing horribly hard. Here's to it being easier as I have more and more days behind me.

Day 3

Introduction: I have to lose myself, to Find myself

I am lost. I'm really not sure how to describe it exactly, except that I know I am here somewhere, buried beneath the fat that I've put on over the last decade. The worst of it being the remaining 30 lbs of pregnancy weight that I just can't seem to let go of.

I say that because it's all my choices. I'm the one who choose to eat ice cream and pizza and nachos and even though my daily diet didn't consist of those things, I have a love for blended drinks from Dutch Bros. One here or there isn't a bad thing, but there were times when I'd hit the drive thru coffee stand two to three times a day! In general though, it isn't any one thing, it's everything that is small  them up, you get me. A 5'3" 29 year old 242lb women. I still remember the day I realized I'd have to lose 100lbs to be healthy, I had to do everything I cold to stop myself from crying. But 4 years and several "aha!" moments later, here I am, unable to get back to where I started before I had my son.

It is hard putting this stuff out there where anyone could see it. I find it very hard to speak of this cause I feel like I'm just another morbidly obese American who is unhappy with my weight and wished I could be healthier and thin, while the years go by and all I do is talk as I fail every eating plan and exercise program I've ever tried. In fact it's difficult to stick to anything that I have aspired to complete, whether it be due to unanticipated circumstances or just me. I've ended up allowing life to take over and not really truly fight for what I want. And then, eventually, time goes by and it's too late.....for somethings.

One day, it hits you. You realize that you have become lost beneath the layers, the real you so far from the surface, that you even seemed to no longer recognize who you are, and where you went. My weight is my concealment, a way to protect myself and sabotage myself all at the same time. For the last several years I have learned everything I need to know to be able to lose the weight, and making small strides here and there, but still failing to followthrough on the changes that are going to see me through to the other side of this journey of from obesity to healthy. And so I will be making a full ditch effort now. This will be one of the hardest things I  have ever attempted. 

I would love to say that I'm super positive that I can do this, but I'm not. These goals that I will be setting, I feel I will probably fail at, that is why I am starting this blog. If I am to change anything, I need to be accountable for my life and my choices and not just allow things to happen as they do. And so, this is my accountability. Even if it is to no one but myself.

I will be setting new goals every month, most of them most likely continuing from the previous, these goals will not all be weightloss and fitness related. I have many areas of my life that need work for me to be a healthy person on the inside and outside. And will from time to time set goals on a weekly and even possibly daily basis. nothing new, just smaller goals to break down the big ones.

Ulitmately, my long term goals are as follows:

• Lose 30 to 40 lbs by my wedding, December 3rd, 2011
• To fit in my dress in the current size it is in of a size 16W
• To be proficient in reading and writing Mandarin Chinese
• Run a 5K, 10K, and half Marathon
• Organize house and find stuff to give to Goodwill (Spring cleaning) to start fresh
• Learn to actually love and accept myself.