Valkyrie

My friend Jeremiah works at the Taco Bell on Gateway in Springfield. A year or two ago, he was working when the band The Cruxshadows came in on their way from one concert to another and the Eugene/Springfield area was a stop along the way to get something to eat. He was retelling us the story, very excited as to have met them. but then, he also, said he was so awestruck at the time that it didn't even occur to him to possibly inquire about if he could get an autograph for his then girlfriend. They were her favorite band, afterall. He had tried to show them to me while we were in the car one day, but it was on his PSP and I wasn't really paying all that much attention.

A few weeks later, I asked him again what the name of the band was that he was talking about and what would be the best song or couple songs to listen to as an introduction to their music. So he told me and I then downloaded my first two Cruxshadows songs, Dragonfly and Deception. After that, I was hooked I then downloaded the highest rated album at the time on itunes, Dreamcypher, which also was their latest album at the time. It was actually awhile ago when that came out, I believe 2007. They did release an EP Quicksilver which, along with the other songs and the album mentioned above became some of my favorite songs to run to. I would run in the rain listening toWindbringer  and Winterborn--The sacrifice as I pounded the pavement during one of my wet and/or rainy Oregon runs, as well as Defender and contemplated the world and characters of the story that was in my head (I will probably post about this on another blog at some point in the near future).

Anyway, I am very excited to read today that they have previewed a track from their upcoming album on the 4th of July. So far there only seems to be postings of the recording of the live stream, but they're surprisingly decent and I'm just glad to get a taste of what they've been working on since Quicksilver, especially after the theft of a bunch of their equipment in early 2010 upon returning to the states after completing their European Tour.





I haven't listened to their entire discography, but they have some amazing older tracks to. And of course I'm partial to the Skinny Puppy remix of "Edge of the World". But Jackel head and Monsters, and Marilyn My Bitterness are great tracks as well as the Clan of Xymox remix of Citadel/Never Surrender, which is probably my all time favorite running song! It's like an anthem as I push myself through a run or any workout: "I will never Surrender! I will never Surrender!"

And then, not to mention, the bodies of the women in the group, inspire me to get up do a TurboFire video right now. Just gorgeous, strong and powerful. Just lovely.

$1 Day at Dutch Bros!!!

 Somehow over the years I have developed a love for coffee. I always found this so interesting considering that I when I was a younger I loved the smell of the grounds, but hated how it tasted completely different than the aroma would have let me to believe in all of it's seductive beauty and dark mysteries.

I love the culture, I love he smell, I love the preparation, I love the sound of my coffee maker as it brews it in it's quiet dance of infusing the water with the grounds. Coffee, much like tea, is one of the beauties in the world. It may not hold as many of the exotic flavors and fragrances that tea does for me. But there is something about it that appeals to me.....

My favorite coffee stand, is Dutch Bros., which is a franchise that has stretched well beyond it's original Southern Oregon Boarders. I love the energy of the employees who work there as well as all that they do for the community and other altuistic work. Such as, when police office Chris Kilcullen was killed in the line of duty, there was a fundraiser that was done through dutch bros to raise money for a college fund for his kids. It raised a good amount of money. They also, on valentine's day have a food drive where you can donate 3 cans of food to Food for Lane County for a drink. They also do a fundraiser for the MDA and Relay for Life, which brings me to the annual $1 day. 

Every drink, ever size if $1, and a 100% of that dollar goes to the Relay for Life. I'm not sure if it's the same organization every year, but $1 is once a year every year and is always for charity. They also were all dressed up for an 80's theme. I wish I had had my camera because the outfits were amazing as they were making coffee and rocking out to "living on a prayer".

I guess the other reason I love DB, is because there have been the few occasions when I get there and realize that I don't have my money, or I had forgotten my purse, and they end up giving me my drink, and tell me to just pay them back next time. Which I always do. They don't have to do that, it is perfectly understandable that they wouldn't, since they are a business. But it is something that is a little extra at times.

I guess my best experience at Dutch Bros was last summer. I was going through the break up with my baby's daddy, and it was a very hard and stressful time. I also managed to mess up my finances by paying too much on one of my bills and everything went haywire. I was hanging out with Carson, who was living downtown by the Olive St. DB at the time. We went down there and I didn't have any money, just a stamp card that had 9 of the needed 10 stamps to get a free drink. It was a VERY bad day that day and I explained to the guy that was working that I'd understand if the answer was no, but I was wondering if there was any chance that he would accept the card even though it was missing one stamp. He just said, "hey, I'll take care of ya" he stamped my card and then made me my drink. It really made my day. I felt really bad that I didn't even have any money to give him a tip.

I did however square that up with him. I ended up giving him like 5 dollars later on when I had money, and I explained to him that he had really made my day and I had really appreciated it cause I knew that he didn't have to. He was a tall and well built guy with tatoos all over his arms, and for some reason I find it extra awesome when they seem touched by it. Which he did. I know it's just a coffee place and they are employees just doing their job. But for the most part, the people who end up working there are just fantastic, and actually seem to enjoy it. I have a cousin who works for DB in Southern Oregon, and she seems to really like it.

So thank you Dutch Bros, even if I have spent way too much money there at times, but you make a great product and have some of the most amazing employees I've ever had the pleasure to be a customer for. :)

Booyah!!!!!

I feel great. I was all psyched up for my new workout regime, but I'm still a bit nervous. If I can pull this off, my body will be pretty well on it's way to something pretty amazing for me. I'll be stronger, and I'll feel better all around, have more energy and maybe more confidence. Perhaps I'll finally be peeking through these layers to actually see who and what I am. The idea of the vulnerability is scary, but I'm just trying to focus on one day and one workout, one meal at a time. Will people like what they see when the real me shows through?

I did day one of the TurboFire ChaLean Extreme Hybrid (I nicknamed TurboLean to save time). It was yoga, which was SO MUCH better than the yoga in P90X! It was a challenge, but was nice at the same time. Then I totally kicked ass on my run intervals! I really pushed it. Felt so good to be running again. Tomorrow is supposed to be my rest day, but I may move it around to Saturday since I have my co-worker, Brooke's, bridal shower. It's in Cottage Grove, so it'll be a bit of a tighter schedule than normal, and Wednesday afternoons are a good time to squeeze in workouts.

Day 9

TurboLean!!!

So I got my hands on TurboFire, and I am going to try it out with the ChaLean Extreme TurboFire Hybrid schedule. I also scheduled in all of my Aggressive C25K workouts as well as my first running 5k, which will be the Montster Mash on Sunday October 30th. (You can click on either of these pics for more information on the program accordingly).

I'm pretty excited about trying out my new schedule tonight doing the TurboFire Stretch 40 and then it's C25K: walk 27mins and run for 3. I will  be dividing up into 3 intervals, walk for 9 mins and then run for 1. I'm also getting really psyched up to be starting to make the switch to vegetarian. I've been working on a shopping list so we can be well organized for it. I will be posting the entire hybrid schedule with my notes on my Calandar page, but here's what the first month looks like:

Weekend Update 1: here's to the first of many.

...and then this was dessert!

Friday night's dinner

It's always a challenge to keep track on the weekends. I didn't keep track on Saturday, which was a caloric bust, but I alright today and Friday was very good. I totally "vegged out". We ate a lot but it was fruits and vegetables. It was so good! We devoured the vegetables, and I got the smaller tray since it had the smaller amount of dip. Carson is way too in love with ranch, so we stopped buying it ages ago. If we had gotten the tray with the larger container, we would have eaten all the dip, so this was definitely the better option. I want to get into making my own hummus and dips that are lower calories and will be good with vegetables...especially when we end up going to raw foods in a few months.

Also on Friday I did ChaLean extreme, and then 10 mins walking. I was supposed to do 30, but I decided instead to work on my kitchen, which I got a lot done and burned even more calories. I'm really kicking ass on getting my kitchen in order.

On August 1st, we'll making a change to our eating plan. We are going to go vegetarian, for at least a few months. Carson has been considering it for a permanent life change, but we'll see how that goes after the wedding. So we'll be vegetarian in August and September, and then we'll go Vegan in October and Raw foods in November. Course, thanksgiving will be a challenge. I was afraid to do this at first, but now I'm excited. It feels like a fresh start. We both have had troubles learning to be healthy Omnivores, so starting over with being an Herbivor for awhile at least will help up prepare our bodies and minds for whatever way we go with our food journey in December.

For the next week I will be creating a plan for the grocery list, especially our evening meals and how we will prepare the foods to make it easier to put together the meals. The change will be hardest on Miles, so I'm not sure how to address that. I may just keep meat around for him so  he can get the fats and proteins that he needs. I'll have to do more research into it as far as kids go.

All and all I am happy with the last week and weekend. I didn't get all the workouts done that I had scheduled, but I got over 300 exercise minutes, burned over 2000 calories and was under on my calories nearly everyday of this week. I have to take it one day at a time and one week at a time.

Here are the results for Friday and today, as I said, I didn't track on Saturday.

Day5

Day 7

Invitations...paper, paper, paper!

We went to look at paper today for invitations. We have about 6 weeks to get them selected, printed, addressed and mailed. I can't believe how quickly the wedding is coming up, and there is so much to do. I still need to finish paying off the church and then there's the food. My mom wants to do actual catering like tapas or something, I would have been happy with popcorn and candies and it could be really cute, the bottom line being inexpensive. I know it's that she just wants it to be nice, and I do appreciate that.

For my mom's wedding, she printed her own invitations, and I would like to do the same thing. Over lunch at cafe Yumm today my mom told me that it would definitely be doable and that I needed to figure out what I was going to do for the invitations themselves. She also suggested going to Paper Plus. We found some that seemed really lovely.

These are very elegant

These are very simple, and Carson loves the embossed hearts

The silver one on the right is a nice seal

This is my favorite I think

This one I think is Carson's favorite

...I guess this one is pretty cool too!

Trying to listen better to my body, and have no fear of it's limitations

I always hate it when I start a new exercise routine and end up hurting myself. It happened when I started running, and the last time I started doing ChaLean Extreme. It can end up derailing me. I feel terrible and awful because I'll be injured and unable to do anything due to shin splints, or severe back pain. I would hold back to avoid this from happening, but it doesn't get me anywhere.

So I've been trying to push it, but not over do it with this round. I can't afford to injure myself form my stupidity or impatience. Chalean Johnson also shows you how you can create your own resistance, so if I end up going a little lighter, I can adjust as I need to to work my muscles to their limits. But again, I am still anxious about getting hurt, and losing more and more progress. I LOVE the feeling after I get through my workouts. It's hard and I may have to force myself a bit to get going, but I focus on how great it will feel in the end when I get that physical high and also the mental boost of logging my minutes and calories burned.

My hamstrings have felt really tight today and also sore and a bit like they were a little over worked.  Not to the point of injury, but felt like it was a warning side that I needed to give them a rest. So I took today as my second rest day in the week as opposed to it being on Sunday. I am concerned that it would have been fine and that I shouldn't worry so much about it. That maybe I'm using the "fear" of my body's limitations as an excuse not to exercise today because I'm tired (which I am). What if I do the same thing tomorrow and the next and the next? I can't allow it though. I have to stay on task. I have to keep moving forward, give my body this day of rest and then push it again tomorrow. It has to change. I can't hide beneath these layers anymore, because it's no longer comfortable and it gets less and less so every day.

I haven't worked on my Chinese much the last few days. It was fun while we were camping talking about it and practicing it slightly with my sister (she was a teacher in China for the last year and is going back for one more year). I misplaced my ipod in my house somewhere which has the podcasts that I've been using to help with learning. I also have been busy with my new routine of tracking, exercising and keeping this blog. Maybe I needed a short break. It's been a busy few weeks. And we're getting down to really having to get our ducks in a row for the wedding.

Day 4

It was all about the food....

Today, I had my usual oatmeal breakfast, and for lunch the other half of the sandwich I got yesterday from Safeway. I didn't do well on my fruit and veggie intake as I would have liked, but I am really proud of myself today for several choices that I made, since they were different than what I would have done normally.

First, it was payday, so I took Carson out to Jack in the Box for dinner. I planned out to get the pita, which is one of the best choices on the menu. I had it all planned out ahead of time, and I stuck with it. normally, I would have gotten a burger or something that was a lot higher in calories. The only mistake was that I forgot to order it without the grilled onions. They're cooked in butter, and there's no control over how much would be used. I used to work there so it does make it easier to understand these minor details.

I also gave a ride to my son's aunt Missy. She had a class to go to and it was right across the street from dutch bros. ....And anyone will tell you, I LOVE Dutch Bros. sooooo very much. My mouth was watering over the idea of a blended black and white mocha. It sounded so sweet, and cold and icy. The dark chocolate syrup they have.....ooooohhh so fabulous. I was thinking about it the entire drive, especially with the warm weather. I also got my exercise clothes on before I left to pick Missy up so that I could do my workout as soon as I got back home.

Normally I would have gone to dutch bros gotten the drink and come home and may or may not have worked out. Instead I had a 1/2 cup of raspberry sorbet with 2 Tbs of sugar free chocolate syrup. It was so good, and a decision I was really proud of. This time feels different. I even started purging my cookbooks. I'm really trying to focus on food, and also trying to learn to not be afraid to do the heavy lifting for my workouts. I've also been working on the connection between the two. It was a good day. It wasn't an easy one, but there was nothing horribly hard. Here's to it being easier as I have more and more days behind me.

Day 3

Day 2 Update

Today wasn't bad at all. I began Day 1 of ChaLean Extreme as well as my C25K plan. I feel fantastic. It's been awhile since I've felt this good. I've also began doing more and more research into food addiction. My fiance wants to do a radical change to our plan, which may end up being just what I need. He wants to make a go of going vegetarian for a couple months and then go vegan for another month, and then to try eating mostly raw foods for the remaining month. After that, we will go back to being omnivores, but I'm not sure what our plan will be at that point.

I know that I could do this without going vegetarian, but I think that Carson is looking for something that will have more boundaries for him. I want to support him. At first I was going to argue with him, but then I realized why I was going to argue. It was the voice of an addict that doesn't want to give up their drug. I wanted sugar, and fats and to be able to eat whatever I want. but that philosophy has gotten me nowhere to be honest. So we'll start to research and prepare to begin cutting out meat in August.

Now I will say I am aware that going vegetarian does not guarantee by any means healthy eating or weight loss. You have to still make the right choices for food and to not eat too much of it. It is also important to make sure that you get the right nutrients, proteins and such. Since we'll be able to eat dairy and eggs at first that will be not as difficult as the last two months. Which is where the major research comes in. I am actually feeling alright about this, because it feels like there is something that is telling me that my body needs this. It'll be like a good detox and with the lessons we learn, we will be able to apply to our life as we step forward into married life.

Day 2

Above is my day. I ended up not having such a healthy dinner since my roommate and his fiancee offered to buy us dinner. I did get a small fry and not a medium, and I took it as extra motivation to get my exercise in for the evening no matter what. So it ended up working out to where I was still under my calories for the day when you net out the exercise with my calorie intake.

I am actually pretty proud of myself today. The walk to the store was unplanned. My roommate Jer, wanted to go up there to get something for him and his fiancee, Amber to drink. It's a lot more fun anyway to walk there with friends then to drive. And I got to listen to a couple Astral Projection tracks on Carson's iPod, which are definitely going into my "running music".

Day 1: It all starts now! :)

So today is my official "day 1". I was going to last week but it ended up not working out with the vacation and everything. I made an effort to eat more mindfully. I've been getting focused and excited about this whole project. It was sort of strange telling people about it. I mainly only told my family thus far, as I am skiddish when it comes to these sorts of things, so it takes awhile to get comfortable with something new, even if sometimes it never actually does arrive.

Due to my lower back flaring up like it does from time to time, and the massive amounts of fatigue from our trip, I decided have it be a "rest day" and tomorrow I will do ChaLean extreme burn circuit 1 and walk for 25 mins. I have an appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow at around 11am, so I'm planning on doing one workout in the morning and one in the evening when I get home from work. It would eventually be nice to get to where I can at least get some of my exercise done in the morning. It can help me get a good start to my day and it's less I have to do later.

Despite not getting my exercise plan started, I did keep within my calorie range. I did fairly well. I do want to get in more fruit. I'm on a real pineapple kick. I also tried black grapes, they were okay, but I think I'll stick to red. If the green grapes in the fridge are still good, I'll give those another try.

Below is my food diary for the day:

Day 1

I have already began to find my first 5k...well, technically 2nd, but I hope to be running most of it this time. :) This is really scary. It's scary in a good way, sort of like anticipating the big drop on a roller coaster. I also feel like there is no turning back, and if I don't do this now, I probably never will. It gets less and less likely it seems with every failure. There's just been some stuff that's been really hard to understand or conceptualize. There's a lot of vulnerability issues and feelings of safety I guess. I hope that I will not be criticized, we all have our demons, and reasons why we struggle with what we struggle.

I have discovered there is a lot more to this than I ever imagined, and it will make it really hard. But I know that the end result will be more than worth it, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes. 

Home Sweet Home

Ah...so nice to be home.

We spent the last few days camping at Beverly Beach near Newport. I never got down to the beach, but it was still amazing and beautiful out there. It actually was our first official family vacation actually. My sister, Brie, has been teaching in China the past year and will be going back after her visit this month to teach for a second year. So her and my stepdad, David, left to go camping with my son, Miles and my mom, Carson and I joined then a couple days later.

Despite having to fight off at times massive amounts of irritability internally, I had a good time, although my body is still recoveing from the change, and I am so tired from not sleeping all that well, but it was worth it to see Miles do this:


My little bear was so excited to see the sharks.  He also got to touch a sea anemone.



"Oooo......what is that, it's wierd!"

 He really had wanted to see the octopus, but it was hiding the whole time, and they are expert s at staying hidden if they want to be.

I could go on and on, and perhaps I'll add another post with more of my pictures and such, but for now, I need to get back into focusing on the tasks at hand and what is next to come. And as great as it was to get away for a vacation, I really missed my dog.

I was originally going to take her with me, but because of our planned excursion on the boat and to go to the aquarium, I would have had no where to keep her except in the car the entire day, and that would have not been right, especially since it did end up being a really nice day. So it was really nice to once again have her cuddled up next to me as I was going to sleep last night. It seemed like she really missed me too.

I was disturbed however to discover that one of my water dragons, Shadow, had lost a large portion of his/her tail (we as of yet do not know the gender). I don't know how this happened, and my friend who was feeding and misting them for me while we were away said that they were fine when he had checked on them the night before. So who knows. I know it can happen, he could have gotten stuck somewhere. And chances are that it will not grow back, per my research. There may be a tiny chance since they are still juveniles, not even a year old. I still feel bad because if I had been there to check on them regularly like I normally do, then if Shadow had gotten stuck, I would have been able to help him without the loss of his tail perhaps. I guess all that matters is that I make sure that he/she remains healthy. They are so beautiful despite this.

Introduction: I have to lose myself, to Find myself

I am lost. I'm really not sure how to describe it exactly, except that I know I am here somewhere, buried beneath the fat that I've put on over the last decade. The worst of it being the remaining 30 lbs of pregnancy weight that I just can't seem to let go of.

I say that because it's all my choices. I'm the one who choose to eat ice cream and pizza and nachos and even though my daily diet didn't consist of those things, I have a love for blended drinks from Dutch Bros. One here or there isn't a bad thing, but there were times when I'd hit the drive thru coffee stand two to three times a day! In general though, it isn't any one thing, it's everything that is small  them up, you get me. A 5'3" 29 year old 242lb women. I still remember the day I realized I'd have to lose 100lbs to be healthy, I had to do everything I cold to stop myself from crying. But 4 years and several "aha!" moments later, here I am, unable to get back to where I started before I had my son.

It is hard putting this stuff out there where anyone could see it. I find it very hard to speak of this cause I feel like I'm just another morbidly obese American who is unhappy with my weight and wished I could be healthier and thin, while the years go by and all I do is talk as I fail every eating plan and exercise program I've ever tried. In fact it's difficult to stick to anything that I have aspired to complete, whether it be due to unanticipated circumstances or just me. I've ended up allowing life to take over and not really truly fight for what I want. And then, eventually, time goes by and it's too late.....for somethings.

One day, it hits you. You realize that you have become lost beneath the layers, the real you so far from the surface, that you even seemed to no longer recognize who you are, and where you went. My weight is my concealment, a way to protect myself and sabotage myself all at the same time. For the last several years I have learned everything I need to know to be able to lose the weight, and making small strides here and there, but still failing to followthrough on the changes that are going to see me through to the other side of this journey of from obesity to healthy. And so I will be making a full ditch effort now. This will be one of the hardest things I  have ever attempted. 

I would love to say that I'm super positive that I can do this, but I'm not. These goals that I will be setting, I feel I will probably fail at, that is why I am starting this blog. If I am to change anything, I need to be accountable for my life and my choices and not just allow things to happen as they do. And so, this is my accountability. Even if it is to no one but myself.

I will be setting new goals every month, most of them most likely continuing from the previous, these goals will not all be weightloss and fitness related. I have many areas of my life that need work for me to be a healthy person on the inside and outside. And will from time to time set goals on a weekly and even possibly daily basis. nothing new, just smaller goals to break down the big ones.

Ulitmately, my long term goals are as follows:

• Lose 30 to 40 lbs by my wedding, December 3rd, 2011
• To fit in my dress in the current size it is in of a size 16W
• To be proficient in reading and writing Mandarin Chinese
• Run a 5K, 10K, and half Marathon
• Organize house and find stuff to give to Goodwill (Spring cleaning) to start fresh
• Learn to actually love and accept myself.

Goals: July

Fitness & Weight loss

• Begin Burn Phase of Chalean Extreme. (about 45mins 5x's a week)

• Begin 16wk C25K program (30mins 3x's a week)

Home

• Organize kitchen cabinets
• Go through kitchen tools and appliances to figure out what to keep and what to send to Carson's parents' garage sale or to Goodwill
• Begin planning new floor plan for 'dining area' and 'computer areas'

Nutrition

• Eat at least two servings of fruit and/or vegetables a day
• Try one or two new recipes or ideas a week
• Stay within calorie ranges and get in water

Chinese

• Complete two to three sessions a week
• Review vocabulary and dialogues for speaking practice
• Continue learning Characters for Fluenz vocabulary and for Chineseclass101.com vocab.