Big decisions at the last moment

Today was a productive day. I went out to go look at invitations with my mom. The place we were going to go to look at them, Paper Plus, was closed. We had a brief window of time to go out and look for them and decided to try to go early in the morning on Monday before work since they opened at 7:30am, and instead try to go do some other wedding stuff. We went to Micheal's to look at what they had for possible wedding supplies, decorations and the the like. I had also remembered them having a lot of stuff in my colors.

We also were very inspired having just been at my co-worker/her employee, Brooke's, wedding the evening before. Especially when we found out that these flowers were in fact not real, but silk:

 

 We found some real awesome stuff, and also got a vision for the centerpieces more clear. It was so much fun doing wedding stuff with my mommers. We haven't done much of that yet, even with 3 months to go. 

We also found these on the wedding aisle. A DIY set that was exactly in my colors. They weren't exactly what we were talking about getting originally, but I love them. I feel a lot less anxious now that we have the invitations figured out. It also means that despite the set back of our original destination being closed, we were still able to achieve our goal. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So we got the venue, the dress, the invitations, some of the decorations, the cake set up. But there's a lot that we are behind on, we don't have the caterer or the photographer. Also, we haven't figured out the officiant. We have a beautiful church lined up for our wedding, but it seems nice if we could have a close friend or someone who really knows us perform the ceremony. I have also just had ideas of postponing until next summer. We'd have more time to plan and save money, and an outdoor wedding sounds really nice. I am concerned about how heavy my dress is, but my mom said she knows of a great venue with lots of shade. 

It also gives us more time to get our house in order. I wish I could move into a new home for a truly fresh start, but with the housing market as it is, I'm still a few years away from being able to sell (at the soonest). So, we'll get this place all set up and ready for our new life together, all three of us. I need to get let go of a lot of stuff anyway, get my life in order. That is one thing that is part of this whole process. So we got the invitations, but have been seriously considering pushing the wedding back to late June or early July. We only have a few days to make this decision to get back half of our deposit from First Christian. The good news is that it was a small deposit, so we really would only be out $100 dollars or so. 

It was an interesting day. It was really great doing planning stuff with my mom. We were really getting into it more. It'd be nice to be able to enjoy it a little longer. Then again, I am really excited about becoming Carson's wife. I've loved him for so long, and I love him so much. As eager as I am, I want it to be right. I don't want to look back afterward, and think at all "It was a great wedding, but I kind of wish we'd waited until the summer" for whatever reason. I also want lots of room for my son to run around and play during the reception. It's not just about me and Carson. It's all of us coming together as a family. That is my focus now.

The Wagon

I've sort of fell off the wagon the last couple days. Maybe more the last week. It's been a rough one. I haven't binged really or even given in much to emotional eating. But we did end up going out a couple times over the weekend and went to the Lane County Fair with my mom and stepdad. It was the first time we were really able to take Miles. He had a blast. We saw goats, and ducks, and horses and cows. Miles even got to go on a couple rides. I bought an awesome parasol, well a very awesome parasol that is also very cheap.

Anyway, the week in general wasn't good. I found out that my ex is having a baby with the girl he's with, which is also the reason I left him. I won't go into the drama much, but lets just say he can barely take care of himself, and he can't even afford to adequately support the one he already has. Then a day or two after that, I almost was no longer a bride on the run, I'd have to change my blog to spinster on the run or something like that. We are working it out and in the end it was a good thing, but it's just been a tense week.

I am looking forward to this afternoon and evening. my co-worker Brooke is getting married, and this will also mark the end of my "bad week". I did keep up on tracking, and my exercise, but I didn't do as well with staying on the wagon with my calorie intake. My big mistake yesterday was that I forgot to take my meds and I didn't eat enough fore going to a BBQ for my son's uncle Mark, he was 17 yesterday (I could hardly believe it). Anyway, it took a lot longer to get the food prepared than I think they had anticipated and so I was ravenous when it was time to eat, and I ended up eating a bit too much. At first I wasn't too worried, since I usually have a deficit from exercising, but I ended up being so tired last night, that I decided to make Thursday once again my rest day and exercise tonight when I get home from the wedding.

The week wasn't all bad. I reached my goal of the month of 500 fitness mins!!!! yay!! I have never reached that before when I've actually set it as a goal. it is pretty exciting. I also stayed on track with my exercise. As I mentioned in my previous post, I did Push Circuit 1 and it completely kicked my ass! it was fantastic. I have been looking forward to Push Circuit 2. BRING IT ON CHALEAN!!!!

I've also really enjoyed the TurboFire: Fire videos. I feel so silly doing them, but then I realized, what am I worried about, I'm having fun! And I've also started to feel more comfortable dancing around the house again randomly when I hear a song I like. It has been so long since I've done that. This journey has been really causing me to look at so many things in my life. I've been working on my mental health as well. I may never have exactly the life I want, but I can have at least parts of it. I can have a strong body. I can have accomplishments that I am proud of. I already have a wonderful little boy, who is my sunshine. I have a loving husband to be, who is really supportive and has been awesome in helping me stay motivated, even when I am discouraged and frustrated. I also have some great friends that have helped me with that too.

Everyday is a new day, and every week is a new week. And all of these new days and weeks are new beginnings. Take it one beginning at a time.

PUSH IT!

Last night was ChaLean Extreme Push Circuit 1. I had for my exercise schedule to do the strength training and then do my C25K, just like I did when I'd have the burn circuits.

It was intense and awesome! And it totally kicked my ass! When I got on the treadmill, I did my walking for 8mins and then started running for 2mins. I can tell that I'm getting stronger, my form is better, but my legs were dead. I got through the first 10min intervals, but I hit muscle failure. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to finish my run, but really proud that I had put so much into the weight training that my body needed more time to recover. I'm really looking forward to rest of the Push Circuits this month.

Fired up and Frustrated

I've been making progress, I'm getting more defined curves on my sides above my hips. My shoulders are also looking pretty good. And I'm proud of all my hard work and determination. I started the actual TurboFire videos, and they are awesome! It is hard, and intense, but a lot of fun. I feel so silly, but at the same time, like I'm just sort of goofing off and hanging out moving in front of my TV. Then, when I actually get a combo or a few moves just right, I feel so awesome!

On Saturday I went to the Goodwill to find some clothes. I needed some for work and my co-worker's wedding is on Friday, so I wanted something nice to wear. Anyway, I try on some pants in my size. they didn't really fit. The skirts were okay, except the one that should have been my size didn't quite fit and ones that should have been 2 to 3 sizes too large fit just fine. It wasn't very many clothes, but they were all sized smaller. And it just seems like my bottom half never shrinks as it is anyway. I'm just getting frustrated and discouraged since as of yet, all my progress is in my upper body. It seems like it's slowly making it's way down. I am proud of my progress and hard work, but I feel at the same time that it's like a drop in the ocean. And I also start feeling horribly out of proportion.

I did a HIIT workout last night, it was interesting. I am enjoying the TurboFire videos. It's back to the weight lifting though this week. I will be reaching 500 fitness minutes soon too. Should be tonight, hopefully, if not tonight, tomorrow. I'm getting nervous with the prospects of self sabotage on the horizon. I'm finding it harder to keep on track. I'm fighting. I'm fighting as hard as I can. I can't believe I haven't just given in like I always do. I take a day off here or there, but I'm still here fighting for my life back, the life I took from myself with every pound that I've gained that brought me here. So tonight, I will Continue fighting doing CLX: Push Circuit 1, and restarting month 1 week 2 of my C25K Program. My son may want to join me on the weight lifting. He's been very curious about it and want "to be strong like mommy". I found my 3lbs. so we'll see how that goes. I love doing this sort of thing with my family.

Vegetarian's dilema......(newbie edition)

The biggest issue with cutting out meant and beginning to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle is protein. I knew this was the case before Carson and I began this. I've gotten more and more diligent with tracking my food all the time,  but found that my protein consumption may have been on the low side. Carson said that he felt that he was experiencing not getting enough protein. We have dairy products and eggs, but even with those options it's still difficult some days.

I had the idea the other night after my workout that after I got paid, we'd get some protein powder to help us get our protein as a supplement while we adjust to cutting out meat. I felt sort of weird going to the store and buying it. We bought two containers of whey protein with have 30 servings each. Each serving has 26g of protein, which is my minimum is around 60 or 78g then that will be a good supplement. It's supposed to be a supplement. So the goal is to have no more than one scoop/serving a day and to be able to adjust to getting our protein in without it being more than back up every now and then.

Fashion Covets: Fingerless gloves

For some reason, I've been enamored with arm warmers, and fingerless gloves. I was was thinking of velvet gloves to  go with my wedding outfit, but I couldn't seem to find anything that was speaking to me. Couldn't find my color in the exact kind I wanted. That was awhile ago. I haven't really thought of gloves for my wedding outfit in awhile, but I have been really loving them lately, or the idea anyway.

I began knitting a pair of arm warmers, nothing as intricate and lovely as these that I found while wandering around Etsy.com.

These from hypericumfragile are just wonderful:

 They make me think of Victorian teas and Jane Austin novels. There's just something about these that makes me lust for them. They do sell the crochet pattern for $8, so if you know someone who is good at crocheting that could be your ticket.

skywatcher1121 has these lovely delicate skeleton lace fingerless gloves:

And then there's these from yasoknitting:

They look so exotic. And the lace on the hands like that gives me chills.

I could go on and on and post hundreds of pictures, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Until next time....

Fashion Covets: Finding my personal style

I'm sort of stealing this idea from the blog Ultimate Goth Guide, where she has a new segment called "coveting". Although, there are a few differences. Hers is once a month and featuring individual sellers, where as this is more about developing one's personal style.

As a child, I loved clothes. There were probably several reasons, but I loved pretty frilly dresses, and cute little outfits. As I got older and my self esteem got lower, I was more concerned with covering myself. Due to some unpleasant things in my childhood, and the normal awkwardness of adolescence, the effects culminated into wanting to hide. Bulky t-shirts and sweaters and loose fitting pants were my salvation. As my weight went up, the more I needed to hide it. As I have mentioned, my weight was a barrier. I put on these pounds and a cushion to keep everything in and everything else out. It was a way to separate me from society.

I became more and more self-conscious about wearing anything that was beyond my norm. I was afraid I guess of scrutiny. Or of being looked down upon for wearing what was in yesterday. Felt and still do feel like everyone else was clued in to some secret of life and social interactions that I was completely left out of. All I could do, was fake along, like the person who laughs along with his friends at a joke that they don't really get the punch line.

As I had said before, there was a lot more to this journey than just the weight loss. So much more than a number on a scale, or a clothing size. I've felt so left out of being able to wear cute clothes and outfits and I would gawk at wishing I could wear, but would never even dare to think of trying them on in my wildest dreams. I've tried so hard for so long to project the image that I thought everyone else wanted, not that mine was the complete opposite or anything like that. Just more of that I never discovered my personal style and identity.

With my wedding coming up and this journey that I am on, I feel the need to do this. So I have been scouring the interwebs to find the kind of things I may like. So this is where I will shows those things as add to my journey of self discovery. Finding my personal style. Who I am. Not being afraid of myself, or being who I am, even to the criticism of others.

Sick again.....

This has been brutal. I hate being sick. I've been so anxious about having had to miss work yesterday and today for being sick. I haven't tracked my food the last couple days, but my appetite hasn't been the best. I wonder if my son may have had it, but couldn't really communicate. He didn't have a fever and was sort of out of it for a couple days and didn't have much of an appetite it seemed, but it's hard to say.

Anyway, Miles was with his dad yesterday as usual, and my mom went and picked him up after she got off work and brought him home. He came upstairs where I was resting and said, "Mommy, you sick?" and I told him "Yes baby, mommy's sick". So he said, very insistingly "You need water!"

He went back down stairs and came back with my reusable cold cup that Carson had put fresh water in for me. And then told me to drink it up so I'd be all better. We then cuddled upstairs and watched a movie together. Anytime it came up that I was sick, he'd insist that I needed to drink more water. I love the way little kids think. And it was really sweet how my little boy wanted to make sure his mommy would be well soon.

I am feeling better today, although I still wasn't up to going to work today. I hate feeling useless. I hate setbacks. I was supposed to also do my first actual TurboFire workout but couldn't because of being sick. It was terrible, being feverish, without the high temperature. I had the dizziness, the body aches, and then there was the swollen glands, which made my neck tender and swallowing difficult. I still have the weakness, and sore throat, swollen glands being tender, and I am still not able to be up and about for all that long. I was able to take my son to school. I really appreciate my mommy, she's going to pick the smiley bear up from school and bring him home for me. It's hard for me to ask for help to be honest, and I feel bad when I have to, like I have no right to. So, it is nice when I end up having to, to be reminded that people love me and are there for me.

I think it's getting to be nap time again, so I should probably go rest. I am looking forward to being back on track with my exercise tomorrow.

"Enjoy the process"

The last few days I've taken a hiatus  from my exercise schedule. With the side effects I was experiencing I felt that it was better to not push myself too much. It was the muscle weakness in my legs was the worse. Just going of the stairs (which I do everyday, multiple times a day) would cause my muscles to nearly reach fatigue (like as though I was doing squats or lunges with added weight). There was no reason that my body should have felt that way pre workout.

My doctor was right though. On Thursday he said I should notice a vast difference by the next day with the adjustment we made to my dose, and I did. I wasn't back to 100% yet, but my mind was clearer and the weakness was still there, but not as bad. I still took the day off from working out. I have not, however, taken any breaks in tracking my food intake and watching what I eat. We have been vegetarian for about 2 weeks now, and it's going very well. I started a post on vegetarianism, but I have yet to complete it. It is working with  making get towards my goals easier, and there are very good reasons as to why that is, but I will talk about that later. I mostly wanted to give a quick update to stay on track. I will be getting in Burn circuit 3, my C25K workout from yesterday where I will walk for 27 mins and run for 3. I will also do the CLX recharge and then Ab Burner as I can do a better job with my form and getting the most out of it than with the Extreme Abs. That will cover cardio, strength, and flexibility and abs for the day and I will feel a bit caught up. I have ran into set backs the past through weeks, but I am making it through and staying consistent. The results are definitely showing too.

Upon my last C25K workout, I ran into through with running the full 2 mins. I was thinking that perhaps I should break it up into 4 intervals instead of doing 3, but I will try to continue with 3 for the next two workouts to see if it was simply the muscle weakness that was causing the trouble as it really felt like it shouldn't have been that hard.

I am very excited about my progress, but so far the scale is still showing previously conquered territory. I am getting a bit anxious about when I get down to 231 and below 230, I've never been able to maintain lower than 232 or so. That's usually the point where my tendency to self sabotage kicks in and I end up losing steam. That was one reason for this blog, to help me when it gets hard to stay on track. To motivate myself to stay consistent and to find my way around any road blocks that I come across. To build accountability. I have gotten behind on the Chinese thing, but I was excited when I was watching Reno 911, the episode where Junior accidentally gets married to the mail order bride from China, and I understood some of the stuff that the Chinese woman was saying, when the previous time I saw it, it was just gibberish. Woohoo!!

I've also been thinking of trying to take up knitting again. Specifically learning to knit lace. I've been drooling over arm warmers and fingerless gloves on Etsy.com and since money is sort of a tight resource, I was noting that I could probably make some of them fairly easily from old shirts and such, and/or learn to knit them. Maybe I could try to sell a few, for really just the cost of the materials to support the hobby.

Until Later.

Day 25

Sick day

Ended up staying home sick from work today. The lack on concentration issues were so bad that I called in and stayed home. I was able to talk to my doctor today, and he said that it is a very rare side effect of the medication and that with the alterations that we made, I should notice a big difference as soon as tomorrow. So that is a relief. It has been really frustrating trying to get through the last week. My home is safe, so i don't have the added burden of anxiety that I would get outside in the world. Of course, even here in my sanctuary I had trouble being able to even read more than a couple sentences at a time while surfing the internet.

My eating was a success for today. Feels like I stuffed myself at dinner, but I really didn't when it came down to the actual calories. I made tzatziki and served it with pita pocket bread that was quartered and divided to make it seem like more to my beloved and son (hee. hee. sneaky me). I also tried a new recipe, which was actually something completely new for me to make. Samosas. They were curried and were served with a Mint-cilantro chutney.

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I was so excited with this culinary endeavor that I made it special by serving the tzatziki on a piece of my grandmother's wedding china. Probably should have done it the other way around for presentation to not have the white-on-white with the dip, but documenting it with photographs was sort of a last minute decision.

Anyway, it was a very satisfying dinner, and the samosas will be a great item to experiment with and to make ahead and freeze. I'm looking forward to my lunch tomorrow.

I have hope for tomorrow. I'm also over halfway to my goal for fitness minutes for the month. This is significant since whenever I set a goal of say 500 fitness minutes for a month always fall short, usually by a lot.I am also very much looking forward to feeling better with my concentration going back to normal and my muscles not feeling weak. It wasn't a lot of weakness, but even a little is not pleasant.

Day 24

I'm trying to keep up, but life gets away sometimes....

I feel really great right now. Got my workout in and I really pushed it today. It felt really good. My running is going alright. Really had to push through it today. Possibly need to warm up a bit more before hand. Today wasn't the best. I'm having a lot of problems focusing at work and am trying to figure out what is going on in my head. It's like it's going everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. It could be the stress from the wedding. there is still so much to do. And then it always seems like something ends up catching me off guard with finances. My goal this month is to be more responsible with my money. I'm not out of control or anything, but it still is difficult for me sometimes, especially with the stress.

The workouts help, and even though on Monday I went over on my calories, I didn't stress too much, it was by less than 100 calories. Also, it usually evens out throughout the week. I still haven't seen much of a result on the scale, but I've definitely noticed changes in my body, which I try to concentrate on the most. I also have been looking at possible reward shirts and such for when I get through the program I'm doing. It actually will run after the wedding, but it will be a major accomplishment. I am really proud of myself, and so grateful for the support of my family. I'm also looking forward to trying on my dress and having it fit and feeling beautiful and proud because i won't be at my goal weight, but I'll have accomplished something so much already.

Day 21

Day 22

Weeken Update 3: Can't believe it's been another week already

Another week has come and gone, it seems not all that long ago I was doing my last catch up because the days got away from me. It's been an interesting week, a lot of ups and downs. I've been on the new dose of my SNRI for a couple weeks now, and with the regular exercise and trying to make healthier choices, I'm starting to feel better actually. I'm not used to it at all, and I still feel like there is something wrong. I've suffered from chronic depression for most of my life, starting when I was a child. I've been going to a psychiatrist at the urging of my fiance and recommendation of my therapist since February. It's a slow process, but it feels like we may be making some progress.

It's been a lot easier eating within my range and the last time I went to Red Robin, I not only got a boca burger patty, I got the burger wrapped in lettuce. I really didn't miss the bun, not the at least 200 to 300 calories it would have had. All around it's been good, not major sabotaging binges or anything. We've also been vegetarian for one week now and I think that is helping a lot. It limits us from going and getting fast food, and we've been eating more fruit and vegetables. We already were working to cut out the junk food. So far we are experiencing some very healthy changes in our eating habits. I look forward to the months to come as we continue this journey to find a good balance with food together.

Day 15

Day 16

17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Wow, just about 10 more days to it being a month! I didn't realize that until I finished this with the picture captions.

Little things

Discouragement is easy to find and motivation is difficult to hold onto. It just seems to slip from my hands like a ribbon being pulled from you hand in the wind. I look at myself as a whole and only focus into how my stomach is so huge and will never be smaller, or how large my thighs are. I see everything I want to change that hasn't, and it just drags me down.

The workouts are intense and hard. I adjust however I need to to accommodate my body size, but I tend to end up using it to remind me of how far I have to go as opposed to how far I've come. I can't do measurements, cause when it comes to my waist and hips I obsess over if I've done it the same as the first: is this the same area? is this how I was standing the first time? And the results can be too stressful to handle. So I weigh myself almost everyday to just gauge how my body fluctuates over the week, it also can ground me and keep me in check when it comes to making better choices with my eating and wanting to exercise. But when you see yourself the same or just getting larger and larger and never seem to be able to do anything but lose sight and sabotage yourself, it easy to lose sight of any progress you've made.

My fiance has unknowingly kept me going these last few days. It's been harder to get my workouts in, not because I was discouraged or anything, just that I'm tired and wanted to do other things. It would be so easy to just relax on the couch and do nothing.

My fiance Carson is very supportive, and he's not the first one. I have lots of support, but he did something that really helped me. A couple days ago, I said that the muscles on my sides are sore from working out out, and he responded with, "that's where I'm noticing where you're getting curvier". He had made little comments as to it before. He just has this way of drawing my attention to it and appreciating my hard work. I guess also helping me notice my hard work starting to pay off.

He unknowingly has given me a wonderful gift. I've been able to  focus more on what I've accomplished and how far I've come, instead of only seeing what I haven't done, or how far I have to go. When I've been having problems getting motivated, and I think about putting off my exercise until later or tomorrow. I then think about what Carson said, and all the little comments he had made about the progress I've made. It's made it a lot easier to see how I'm changing and knowing that it's not my imagination. It's really hard to for me to acknowledge these things. But I'm working on it and making progress. I get stronger everyday, and it feels really good. It also helps me in every aspect of my life. I'm a better mother, partner, friend, and just a better person all around.

Day 14

Today was a momentous day actually. At first glance, it starts like any other. I got up, went to work, ate my usual oatmeal for breakfast, I drink my coffee, I track my calories, my life and existence as i know it now. The days count down to my wedding, 4 months and two days, so much to do. But life goes on in the midst of it all. I go to work, I sleep, I take care of and play with my lovely son.

I wonder everyday, every workout, when will I finally have melted enough layers to see myself. Today, I look in the mirror and notice something, my face is thinner, it's small, and perhaps only I notice it, but the way my hair lays, the way underneath my chin looks, there's less there. It feels like it's been so long that I've been doing this and it has and it hasn't. This bout is only a couple weeks, but then I realize that it shouldn't be looked at as "only" two weeks. It should be something to be celebrated.

So Today is August 1st!

1. it has been 2 weeks, 14 entire days of watching my food intake/calories!

2.. I have been exercising regularly for 2 weeks!

3. I completed the 1st week of  the ChaLean Extreme TurboFire Hybrid Schedule. 1 week down, 19 to go!

Every day it gets easier. It wasn't all that long ago that I was wondering how in the world I ever maintained a lower weight, how I didn't weigh 200 to 300lbs in high school. How did I eat less food? It would seem nearly impossible to stay under 1700 or 1500 cals. But it's getting easier and easier, especially the days I exercise, naturally.

Today may have started like every other, and it's ended similar to the days in the last two weeks, but it's not like every other. It's been a day to actually notice where I am going. I still can't even imagine the results, what it would look like or feel like, but I know that it will be unbelievable when I try on my dress and it fits.

Today is also day one for starting to give up meat, for at least the next four months. I slightly failed today in that I had forgotten a lunch and had a weight watchers smart ones meal in the freezer at work. It had a little bit of turkey sausage in it, so I was a little bit unsuccessful in having a meatless day, but it was the only slip up.

DAY 14!!!

Weekend Update 2: Getting caught up.....

I may have gotten behind on posting my food diary reports, but I actually only have one day or so where I ended up failing to track. This is a pretty good track record for me. I may have missed a day or two since mid July, but I've been consistent, more so than ever before.

The weekend was good. I went to a bridal shower on Saturday and then in the evening, I had some screwdrivers at home with my fiance. We don't drink much, but every once and a while we'll get a bottle of something. On Saturday it was a bottle of Absolut APEACH Vodka.

The bottle is so pretty.

So suffice to say, I went over on calories on Saturday, but it wasn't by too horribly much, and did torch a good 400 to 500calories during my exercise, and another 700+ on Sunday, which I was well within range to where it'll make it up. The next major days coming up are if I go to the Lane County Fair in late August, and then my co-worker's (who's bridal shower I went to on Saturday) wedding on the 26th. I started using my Blackberry again last week, and began scheduling all my workouts for "TurboLean".

It has been invaluable scheduling them in way ahead of time, for instance, my colleague's wedding day, the 26th, is a Friday, so I have work until 2pm and then I'll need to get ready for the wedding which is out of town at 4:30. I'm not really going to have time to get my workout in, so i rescheduled my rest day from Thursday to Friday and will do Friday's workout on Thursday. It feels really good to be scheduling this way so I can plan ahead and see how I will accomplish my goals and not just take the "I'll get it in somewhere if i can..... eh, I don't really have time" philosophy. Speaking of which, In addition to getting caught up on blogging and updates, I still need to to my exercise for today, which isn't terribly long, but I need to get onto it. So here are my Food Diary entries for the 27th thru the 31st, minus the one day that I missed tracking:

Day 10

Day 11

12

Day 13