Big decisions at the last moment

Today was a productive day. I went out to go look at invitations with my mom. The place we were going to go to look at them, Paper Plus, was closed. We had a brief window of time to go out and look for them and decided to try to go early in the morning on Monday before work since they opened at 7:30am, and instead try to go do some other wedding stuff. We went to Micheal's to look at what they had for possible wedding supplies, decorations and the the like. I had also remembered them having a lot of stuff in my colors.

We also were very inspired having just been at my co-worker/her employee, Brooke's, wedding the evening before. Especially when we found out that these flowers were in fact not real, but silk:

 

 We found some real awesome stuff, and also got a vision for the centerpieces more clear. It was so much fun doing wedding stuff with my mommers. We haven't done much of that yet, even with 3 months to go. 

We also found these on the wedding aisle. A DIY set that was exactly in my colors. They weren't exactly what we were talking about getting originally, but I love them. I feel a lot less anxious now that we have the invitations figured out. It also means that despite the set back of our original destination being closed, we were still able to achieve our goal. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

So we got the venue, the dress, the invitations, some of the decorations, the cake set up. But there's a lot that we are behind on, we don't have the caterer or the photographer. Also, we haven't figured out the officiant. We have a beautiful church lined up for our wedding, but it seems nice if we could have a close friend or someone who really knows us perform the ceremony. I have also just had ideas of postponing until next summer. We'd have more time to plan and save money, and an outdoor wedding sounds really nice. I am concerned about how heavy my dress is, but my mom said she knows of a great venue with lots of shade. 

It also gives us more time to get our house in order. I wish I could move into a new home for a truly fresh start, but with the housing market as it is, I'm still a few years away from being able to sell (at the soonest). So, we'll get this place all set up and ready for our new life together, all three of us. I need to get let go of a lot of stuff anyway, get my life in order. That is one thing that is part of this whole process. So we got the invitations, but have been seriously considering pushing the wedding back to late June or early July. We only have a few days to make this decision to get back half of our deposit from First Christian. The good news is that it was a small deposit, so we really would only be out $100 dollars or so. 

It was an interesting day. It was really great doing planning stuff with my mom. We were really getting into it more. It'd be nice to be able to enjoy it a little longer. Then again, I am really excited about becoming Carson's wife. I've loved him for so long, and I love him so much. As eager as I am, I want it to be right. I don't want to look back afterward, and think at all "It was a great wedding, but I kind of wish we'd waited until the summer" for whatever reason. I also want lots of room for my son to run around and play during the reception. It's not just about me and Carson. It's all of us coming together as a family. That is my focus now.

The Wagon

I've sort of fell off the wagon the last couple days. Maybe more the last week. It's been a rough one. I haven't binged really or even given in much to emotional eating. But we did end up going out a couple times over the weekend and went to the Lane County Fair with my mom and stepdad. It was the first time we were really able to take Miles. He had a blast. We saw goats, and ducks, and horses and cows. Miles even got to go on a couple rides. I bought an awesome parasol, well a very awesome parasol that is also very cheap.

Anyway, the week in general wasn't good. I found out that my ex is having a baby with the girl he's with, which is also the reason I left him. I won't go into the drama much, but lets just say he can barely take care of himself, and he can't even afford to adequately support the one he already has. Then a day or two after that, I almost was no longer a bride on the run, I'd have to change my blog to spinster on the run or something like that. We are working it out and in the end it was a good thing, but it's just been a tense week.

I am looking forward to this afternoon and evening. my co-worker Brooke is getting married, and this will also mark the end of my "bad week". I did keep up on tracking, and my exercise, but I didn't do as well with staying on the wagon with my calorie intake. My big mistake yesterday was that I forgot to take my meds and I didn't eat enough fore going to a BBQ for my son's uncle Mark, he was 17 yesterday (I could hardly believe it). Anyway, it took a lot longer to get the food prepared than I think they had anticipated and so I was ravenous when it was time to eat, and I ended up eating a bit too much. At first I wasn't too worried, since I usually have a deficit from exercising, but I ended up being so tired last night, that I decided to make Thursday once again my rest day and exercise tonight when I get home from the wedding.

The week wasn't all bad. I reached my goal of the month of 500 fitness mins!!!! yay!! I have never reached that before when I've actually set it as a goal. it is pretty exciting. I also stayed on track with my exercise. As I mentioned in my previous post, I did Push Circuit 1 and it completely kicked my ass! it was fantastic. I have been looking forward to Push Circuit 2. BRING IT ON CHALEAN!!!!

I've also really enjoyed the TurboFire: Fire videos. I feel so silly doing them, but then I realized, what am I worried about, I'm having fun! And I've also started to feel more comfortable dancing around the house again randomly when I hear a song I like. It has been so long since I've done that. This journey has been really causing me to look at so many things in my life. I've been working on my mental health as well. I may never have exactly the life I want, but I can have at least parts of it. I can have a strong body. I can have accomplishments that I am proud of. I already have a wonderful little boy, who is my sunshine. I have a loving husband to be, who is really supportive and has been awesome in helping me stay motivated, even when I am discouraged and frustrated. I also have some great friends that have helped me with that too.

Everyday is a new day, and every week is a new week. And all of these new days and weeks are new beginnings. Take it one beginning at a time.

PUSH IT!

Last night was ChaLean Extreme Push Circuit 1. I had for my exercise schedule to do the strength training and then do my C25K, just like I did when I'd have the burn circuits.

It was intense and awesome! And it totally kicked my ass! When I got on the treadmill, I did my walking for 8mins and then started running for 2mins. I can tell that I'm getting stronger, my form is better, but my legs were dead. I got through the first 10min intervals, but I hit muscle failure. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't able to finish my run, but really proud that I had put so much into the weight training that my body needed more time to recover. I'm really looking forward to rest of the Push Circuits this month.

Fired up and Frustrated

I've been making progress, I'm getting more defined curves on my sides above my hips. My shoulders are also looking pretty good. And I'm proud of all my hard work and determination. I started the actual TurboFire videos, and they are awesome! It is hard, and intense, but a lot of fun. I feel so silly, but at the same time, like I'm just sort of goofing off and hanging out moving in front of my TV. Then, when I actually get a combo or a few moves just right, I feel so awesome!

On Saturday I went to the Goodwill to find some clothes. I needed some for work and my co-worker's wedding is on Friday, so I wanted something nice to wear. Anyway, I try on some pants in my size. they didn't really fit. The skirts were okay, except the one that should have been my size didn't quite fit and ones that should have been 2 to 3 sizes too large fit just fine. It wasn't very many clothes, but they were all sized smaller. And it just seems like my bottom half never shrinks as it is anyway. I'm just getting frustrated and discouraged since as of yet, all my progress is in my upper body. It seems like it's slowly making it's way down. I am proud of my progress and hard work, but I feel at the same time that it's like a drop in the ocean. And I also start feeling horribly out of proportion.

I did a HIIT workout last night, it was interesting. I am enjoying the TurboFire videos. It's back to the weight lifting though this week. I will be reaching 500 fitness minutes soon too. Should be tonight, hopefully, if not tonight, tomorrow. I'm getting nervous with the prospects of self sabotage on the horizon. I'm finding it harder to keep on track. I'm fighting. I'm fighting as hard as I can. I can't believe I haven't just given in like I always do. I take a day off here or there, but I'm still here fighting for my life back, the life I took from myself with every pound that I've gained that brought me here. So tonight, I will Continue fighting doing CLX: Push Circuit 1, and restarting month 1 week 2 of my C25K Program. My son may want to join me on the weight lifting. He's been very curious about it and want "to be strong like mommy". I found my 3lbs. so we'll see how that goes. I love doing this sort of thing with my family.

Vegetarian's dilema......(newbie edition)

The biggest issue with cutting out meant and beginning to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle is protein. I knew this was the case before Carson and I began this. I've gotten more and more diligent with tracking my food all the time,  but found that my protein consumption may have been on the low side. Carson said that he felt that he was experiencing not getting enough protein. We have dairy products and eggs, but even with those options it's still difficult some days.

I had the idea the other night after my workout that after I got paid, we'd get some protein powder to help us get our protein as a supplement while we adjust to cutting out meat. I felt sort of weird going to the store and buying it. We bought two containers of whey protein with have 30 servings each. Each serving has 26g of protein, which is my minimum is around 60 or 78g then that will be a good supplement. It's supposed to be a supplement. So the goal is to have no more than one scoop/serving a day and to be able to adjust to getting our protein in without it being more than back up every now and then.

Fashion Covets: Fingerless gloves

For some reason, I've been enamored with arm warmers, and fingerless gloves. I was was thinking of velvet gloves to  go with my wedding outfit, but I couldn't seem to find anything that was speaking to me. Couldn't find my color in the exact kind I wanted. That was awhile ago. I haven't really thought of gloves for my wedding outfit in awhile, but I have been really loving them lately, or the idea anyway.

I began knitting a pair of arm warmers, nothing as intricate and lovely as these that I found while wandering around Etsy.com.

These from hypericumfragile are just wonderful:

 They make me think of Victorian teas and Jane Austin novels. There's just something about these that makes me lust for them. They do sell the crochet pattern for $8, so if you know someone who is good at crocheting that could be your ticket.

skywatcher1121 has these lovely delicate skeleton lace fingerless gloves:

And then there's these from yasoknitting:

They look so exotic. And the lace on the hands like that gives me chills.

I could go on and on and post hundreds of pictures, this is just the tip of the iceberg. Until next time....

Fashion Covets: Finding my personal style

I'm sort of stealing this idea from the blog Ultimate Goth Guide, where she has a new segment called "coveting". Although, there are a few differences. Hers is once a month and featuring individual sellers, where as this is more about developing one's personal style.

As a child, I loved clothes. There were probably several reasons, but I loved pretty frilly dresses, and cute little outfits. As I got older and my self esteem got lower, I was more concerned with covering myself. Due to some unpleasant things in my childhood, and the normal awkwardness of adolescence, the effects culminated into wanting to hide. Bulky t-shirts and sweaters and loose fitting pants were my salvation. As my weight went up, the more I needed to hide it. As I have mentioned, my weight was a barrier. I put on these pounds and a cushion to keep everything in and everything else out. It was a way to separate me from society.

I became more and more self-conscious about wearing anything that was beyond my norm. I was afraid I guess of scrutiny. Or of being looked down upon for wearing what was in yesterday. Felt and still do feel like everyone else was clued in to some secret of life and social interactions that I was completely left out of. All I could do, was fake along, like the person who laughs along with his friends at a joke that they don't really get the punch line.

As I had said before, there was a lot more to this journey than just the weight loss. So much more than a number on a scale, or a clothing size. I've felt so left out of being able to wear cute clothes and outfits and I would gawk at wishing I could wear, but would never even dare to think of trying them on in my wildest dreams. I've tried so hard for so long to project the image that I thought everyone else wanted, not that mine was the complete opposite or anything like that. Just more of that I never discovered my personal style and identity.

With my wedding coming up and this journey that I am on, I feel the need to do this. So I have been scouring the interwebs to find the kind of things I may like. So this is where I will shows those things as add to my journey of self discovery. Finding my personal style. Who I am. Not being afraid of myself, or being who I am, even to the criticism of others.