"Enjoy the process"

The last few days I've taken a hiatus  from my exercise schedule. With the side effects I was experiencing I felt that it was better to not push myself too much. It was the muscle weakness in my legs was the worse. Just going of the stairs (which I do everyday, multiple times a day) would cause my muscles to nearly reach fatigue (like as though I was doing squats or lunges with added weight). There was no reason that my body should have felt that way pre workout.

My doctor was right though. On Thursday he said I should notice a vast difference by the next day with the adjustment we made to my dose, and I did. I wasn't back to 100% yet, but my mind was clearer and the weakness was still there, but not as bad. I still took the day off from working out. I have not, however, taken any breaks in tracking my food intake and watching what I eat. We have been vegetarian for about 2 weeks now, and it's going very well. I started a post on vegetarianism, but I have yet to complete it. It is working with  making get towards my goals easier, and there are very good reasons as to why that is, but I will talk about that later. I mostly wanted to give a quick update to stay on track. I will be getting in Burn circuit 3, my C25K workout from yesterday where I will walk for 27 mins and run for 3. I will also do the CLX recharge and then Ab Burner as I can do a better job with my form and getting the most out of it than with the Extreme Abs. That will cover cardio, strength, and flexibility and abs for the day and I will feel a bit caught up. I have ran into set backs the past through weeks, but I am making it through and staying consistent. The results are definitely showing too.

Upon my last C25K workout, I ran into through with running the full 2 mins. I was thinking that perhaps I should break it up into 4 intervals instead of doing 3, but I will try to continue with 3 for the next two workouts to see if it was simply the muscle weakness that was causing the trouble as it really felt like it shouldn't have been that hard.

I am very excited about my progress, but so far the scale is still showing previously conquered territory. I am getting a bit anxious about when I get down to 231 and below 230, I've never been able to maintain lower than 232 or so. That's usually the point where my tendency to self sabotage kicks in and I end up losing steam. That was one reason for this blog, to help me when it gets hard to stay on track. To motivate myself to stay consistent and to find my way around any road blocks that I come across. To build accountability. I have gotten behind on the Chinese thing, but I was excited when I was watching Reno 911, the episode where Junior accidentally gets married to the mail order bride from China, and I understood some of the stuff that the Chinese woman was saying, when the previous time I saw it, it was just gibberish. Woohoo!!

I've also been thinking of trying to take up knitting again. Specifically learning to knit lace. I've been drooling over arm warmers and fingerless gloves on Etsy.com and since money is sort of a tight resource, I was noting that I could probably make some of them fairly easily from old shirts and such, and/or learn to knit them. Maybe I could try to sell a few, for really just the cost of the materials to support the hobby.

Until Later.

Day 25

Sick day

Ended up staying home sick from work today. The lack on concentration issues were so bad that I called in and stayed home. I was able to talk to my doctor today, and he said that it is a very rare side effect of the medication and that with the alterations that we made, I should notice a big difference as soon as tomorrow. So that is a relief. It has been really frustrating trying to get through the last week. My home is safe, so i don't have the added burden of anxiety that I would get outside in the world. Of course, even here in my sanctuary I had trouble being able to even read more than a couple sentences at a time while surfing the internet.

My eating was a success for today. Feels like I stuffed myself at dinner, but I really didn't when it came down to the actual calories. I made tzatziki and served it with pita pocket bread that was quartered and divided to make it seem like more to my beloved and son (hee. hee. sneaky me). I also tried a new recipe, which was actually something completely new for me to make. Samosas. They were curried and were served with a Mint-cilantro chutney.

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I was so excited with this culinary endeavor that I made it special by serving the tzatziki on a piece of my grandmother's wedding china. Probably should have done it the other way around for presentation to not have the white-on-white with the dip, but documenting it with photographs was sort of a last minute decision.

Anyway, it was a very satisfying dinner, and the samosas will be a great item to experiment with and to make ahead and freeze. I'm looking forward to my lunch tomorrow.

I have hope for tomorrow. I'm also over halfway to my goal for fitness minutes for the month. This is significant since whenever I set a goal of say 500 fitness minutes for a month always fall short, usually by a lot.I am also very much looking forward to feeling better with my concentration going back to normal and my muscles not feeling weak. It wasn't a lot of weakness, but even a little is not pleasant.

Day 24

I'm trying to keep up, but life gets away sometimes....

I feel really great right now. Got my workout in and I really pushed it today. It felt really good. My running is going alright. Really had to push through it today. Possibly need to warm up a bit more before hand. Today wasn't the best. I'm having a lot of problems focusing at work and am trying to figure out what is going on in my head. It's like it's going everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. It could be the stress from the wedding. there is still so much to do. And then it always seems like something ends up catching me off guard with finances. My goal this month is to be more responsible with my money. I'm not out of control or anything, but it still is difficult for me sometimes, especially with the stress.

The workouts help, and even though on Monday I went over on my calories, I didn't stress too much, it was by less than 100 calories. Also, it usually evens out throughout the week. I still haven't seen much of a result on the scale, but I've definitely noticed changes in my body, which I try to concentrate on the most. I also have been looking at possible reward shirts and such for when I get through the program I'm doing. It actually will run after the wedding, but it will be a major accomplishment. I am really proud of myself, and so grateful for the support of my family. I'm also looking forward to trying on my dress and having it fit and feeling beautiful and proud because i won't be at my goal weight, but I'll have accomplished something so much already.

Day 21

Day 22

Weeken Update 3: Can't believe it's been another week already

Another week has come and gone, it seems not all that long ago I was doing my last catch up because the days got away from me. It's been an interesting week, a lot of ups and downs. I've been on the new dose of my SNRI for a couple weeks now, and with the regular exercise and trying to make healthier choices, I'm starting to feel better actually. I'm not used to it at all, and I still feel like there is something wrong. I've suffered from chronic depression for most of my life, starting when I was a child. I've been going to a psychiatrist at the urging of my fiance and recommendation of my therapist since February. It's a slow process, but it feels like we may be making some progress.

It's been a lot easier eating within my range and the last time I went to Red Robin, I not only got a boca burger patty, I got the burger wrapped in lettuce. I really didn't miss the bun, not the at least 200 to 300 calories it would have had. All around it's been good, not major sabotaging binges or anything. We've also been vegetarian for one week now and I think that is helping a lot. It limits us from going and getting fast food, and we've been eating more fruit and vegetables. We already were working to cut out the junk food. So far we are experiencing some very healthy changes in our eating habits. I look forward to the months to come as we continue this journey to find a good balance with food together.

Day 15

Day 16

17

Day 18

Day 19

Day 20

Wow, just about 10 more days to it being a month! I didn't realize that until I finished this with the picture captions.

Little things

Discouragement is easy to find and motivation is difficult to hold onto. It just seems to slip from my hands like a ribbon being pulled from you hand in the wind. I look at myself as a whole and only focus into how my stomach is so huge and will never be smaller, or how large my thighs are. I see everything I want to change that hasn't, and it just drags me down.

The workouts are intense and hard. I adjust however I need to to accommodate my body size, but I tend to end up using it to remind me of how far I have to go as opposed to how far I've come. I can't do measurements, cause when it comes to my waist and hips I obsess over if I've done it the same as the first: is this the same area? is this how I was standing the first time? And the results can be too stressful to handle. So I weigh myself almost everyday to just gauge how my body fluctuates over the week, it also can ground me and keep me in check when it comes to making better choices with my eating and wanting to exercise. But when you see yourself the same or just getting larger and larger and never seem to be able to do anything but lose sight and sabotage yourself, it easy to lose sight of any progress you've made.

My fiance has unknowingly kept me going these last few days. It's been harder to get my workouts in, not because I was discouraged or anything, just that I'm tired and wanted to do other things. It would be so easy to just relax on the couch and do nothing.

My fiance Carson is very supportive, and he's not the first one. I have lots of support, but he did something that really helped me. A couple days ago, I said that the muscles on my sides are sore from working out out, and he responded with, "that's where I'm noticing where you're getting curvier". He had made little comments as to it before. He just has this way of drawing my attention to it and appreciating my hard work. I guess also helping me notice my hard work starting to pay off.

He unknowingly has given me a wonderful gift. I've been able to  focus more on what I've accomplished and how far I've come, instead of only seeing what I haven't done, or how far I have to go. When I've been having problems getting motivated, and I think about putting off my exercise until later or tomorrow. I then think about what Carson said, and all the little comments he had made about the progress I've made. It's made it a lot easier to see how I'm changing and knowing that it's not my imagination. It's really hard to for me to acknowledge these things. But I'm working on it and making progress. I get stronger everyday, and it feels really good. It also helps me in every aspect of my life. I'm a better mother, partner, friend, and just a better person all around.

Day 14

Today was a momentous day actually. At first glance, it starts like any other. I got up, went to work, ate my usual oatmeal for breakfast, I drink my coffee, I track my calories, my life and existence as i know it now. The days count down to my wedding, 4 months and two days, so much to do. But life goes on in the midst of it all. I go to work, I sleep, I take care of and play with my lovely son.

I wonder everyday, every workout, when will I finally have melted enough layers to see myself. Today, I look in the mirror and notice something, my face is thinner, it's small, and perhaps only I notice it, but the way my hair lays, the way underneath my chin looks, there's less there. It feels like it's been so long that I've been doing this and it has and it hasn't. This bout is only a couple weeks, but then I realize that it shouldn't be looked at as "only" two weeks. It should be something to be celebrated.

So Today is August 1st!

1. it has been 2 weeks, 14 entire days of watching my food intake/calories!

2.. I have been exercising regularly for 2 weeks!

3. I completed the 1st week of  the ChaLean Extreme TurboFire Hybrid Schedule. 1 week down, 19 to go!

Every day it gets easier. It wasn't all that long ago that I was wondering how in the world I ever maintained a lower weight, how I didn't weigh 200 to 300lbs in high school. How did I eat less food? It would seem nearly impossible to stay under 1700 or 1500 cals. But it's getting easier and easier, especially the days I exercise, naturally.

Today may have started like every other, and it's ended similar to the days in the last two weeks, but it's not like every other. It's been a day to actually notice where I am going. I still can't even imagine the results, what it would look like or feel like, but I know that it will be unbelievable when I try on my dress and it fits.

Today is also day one for starting to give up meat, for at least the next four months. I slightly failed today in that I had forgotten a lunch and had a weight watchers smart ones meal in the freezer at work. It had a little bit of turkey sausage in it, so I was a little bit unsuccessful in having a meatless day, but it was the only slip up.

DAY 14!!!

Weekend Update 2: Getting caught up.....

I may have gotten behind on posting my food diary reports, but I actually only have one day or so where I ended up failing to track. This is a pretty good track record for me. I may have missed a day or two since mid July, but I've been consistent, more so than ever before.

The weekend was good. I went to a bridal shower on Saturday and then in the evening, I had some screwdrivers at home with my fiance. We don't drink much, but every once and a while we'll get a bottle of something. On Saturday it was a bottle of Absolut APEACH Vodka.

The bottle is so pretty.

So suffice to say, I went over on calories on Saturday, but it wasn't by too horribly much, and did torch a good 400 to 500calories during my exercise, and another 700+ on Sunday, which I was well within range to where it'll make it up. The next major days coming up are if I go to the Lane County Fair in late August, and then my co-worker's (who's bridal shower I went to on Saturday) wedding on the 26th. I started using my Blackberry again last week, and began scheduling all my workouts for "TurboLean".

It has been invaluable scheduling them in way ahead of time, for instance, my colleague's wedding day, the 26th, is a Friday, so I have work until 2pm and then I'll need to get ready for the wedding which is out of town at 4:30. I'm not really going to have time to get my workout in, so i rescheduled my rest day from Thursday to Friday and will do Friday's workout on Thursday. It feels really good to be scheduling this way so I can plan ahead and see how I will accomplish my goals and not just take the "I'll get it in somewhere if i can..... eh, I don't really have time" philosophy. Speaking of which, In addition to getting caught up on blogging and updates, I still need to to my exercise for today, which isn't terribly long, but I need to get onto it. So here are my Food Diary entries for the 27th thru the 31st, minus the one day that I missed tracking:

Day 10

Day 11

12

Day 13